"Ten Years Ago"

*Over the last 3 years, there were numerous times I sat right here and willed the words to come to me. I longed to write, but was filled with such self-doubt and sadness that the words never came. For Mother's Day, this is my gift to myself. To just write and get it out. It's not very polished and there remains much hidden from it, but its a start. If I didn't start soon, the words were going to drown in me. It is true- sometimes you just have do something for yourself. 

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell

Ten years ago.

2008.

In May 2008,  I was married. I owned a home. An almost 3 year old and 5 month old consumed my heart, my time, and most of my sleep.  I was a classroom teacher, still believing my career would mirror LuAnne Johnson's. I didn't have a Facebook or Twitter account, there was no such thing as Instagram, and my phone was not smarter than me. My camera was digital and I printed out nearly every single picture I snapped. My conversations weren't texted. My Netflix movies came in the mail, one at a time. Some of my favorite music was played on a MP3 player via Napster, but most I still skipped through CDs for.  I felt empowered by "change we can believe in" as Obama campaigned across America.

In May 2008, I was one year away from "that day in May." I was one year away from my life being completely and forever changed. I was one year away from the life that was waiting for me.

Sometimes, I think about that woman of May 2008  and how at that moment in time she thought the rest of her life would be. She thought that there would be a five, a ten, a twenty year anniversary. She thought she'd always have someone by her side to make decisions with, to talk things through with, to comfort her when anxiety consumed her. She thought  she would sell that home and buy a bigger one. She thought she might have more children. She thought she'd stay a classroom teacher for the remainder of her career. She thought all that technology would remain unchanged  until she could at least understand it. And she thought there was no other possible way that her life could be. It was a belief that if you asked her about then, she would adamantly support.

She never saw the change coming in her life. She never thought it would be something she couldn't believe happened to her.

Sometimes, I think about how that woman of 2008 planned a life that, in the end, wasn't meant for her. That woman had things planned for her life; its events fell into a logical sequence. And I think about how much that woman -so caught up in a plan that would never be- had somewhere along the way missed what her life was actually supposed to be.

The woman I am today found her strength in struggle and in the last 2 years faced her greatest struggles. A 13 year old and 101/2 year old consume my days and nights. I don't own a home. I am no longer a classroom teacher. Scrolling through Facebook or Twitter or Instagram is done on the daily. My phone is way smarter than me. It takes all my pictures. My conversations are held over text, Messenger, or email. Its often how I justify still calling myself a writer.  Netflix is the only TV I watch, my CDs are long gone, and I'd actually forgotten about Napster until writing this post.

The woman I am today  isn't one who has her life mapped out. There is no plan. I have absolutely no idea where we will be in 10 years.  I've learned that way of living no longer works for us. There is only a feeling. I know we will all be happy... and that is the life that was waiting for me.