Who Will Play You in the Movie About Your Life?

My answer to that question is easy. I can answer it without hesitation.

Jenny McCarthy.

People who know me just went, "Ha!" Their response is surely because as far as physical features go, Jenny McCarthy and I share none. Tina Fey and I share more, but I'd still pick Jenny McCarthy to play me in the movie about my life.

My admiration for Jenny McCarthy dates back to her days on Singled Out, the MTV game show. I loved the way she elbowed guys as she burst through a crowd of them to get in front of the cameras. She was crass and yet simply silly. A few years later, I worked with her best friend. (I know! Six degrees of separation really isn't just a theory.) (This is also not my only "brush with fame", but the others will have to be for a different post, they don't really apply here.) The day I found out they were best friends, I gushed, "Oh my gosh, tell her she is hysterical on Wings." Then, she started writing books, and I read every one. She made me laugh out loud, and if you're an author that can do that, well, I reserve a bookmark for you for life.

It wasn't until Louder Than Words, that I stopped viewing her only as a celebrity. She wrote of a day she knew her son's treatment wasn't going well, and sat amongst women who probably knew the same thing. However, these women did nothing about it. She wrote of leaving and vowing to find the help her son needed. I was so drawn to her passion for her child. I knew that if I ever had to face anything of that magnitude with my children, I'd do the exact same thing. I'd go to the ends of the Earth for them. Now, I know MANY moms would say that, but there is a difference between saying it and doing it. I think even back then, in 2007, the universe was preparing me for my future.

The other day, I read Jenny's latest book, Love, Lust, and Faking It. In it, she writes of the beginning of her career and where she is today. This short chapter led me to do a vast amount of thinking. I thought of evolution.

Not evolution, ape to man (even though that is where I stand on the issue), but evolution of self. 

You see, even five years ago, I was not even a smidge as strong as I am today. If all that has fallen on me had fallen on that girl, well, she would have drowned, been swallowed up, she would not have survived.

First of all, I was terribly insecure. I think I put on a good act, but most days, I quaked with insecurity. This insecurity caused me to just be a royal... bitch at times. I tried so hard to mask any sign of insecurity, my actions displayed the exact opposite.

Second of all, I had no idea what direction I was headed in. None. When any thought of the future arose in my head, it was pure fog. I knew in my heart, I should be seeing a clear picture of family, house, and happiness, but I never once did. Now, I know why there was never that picture there, it wasn't meant to be.

So, some how, some where in those five years, I started to figure myself out. I think I learned it from being a mom. I learned to trust myself, trust my decisions, trust my direction, just trust me. Because me was who I was going to need the most.

What was about to happen to me would require me to be my absolute strongest. Anything less, would not do. So, you see, evolution of self is pertinent, it is absolute, it is a must. If you do not evolve, you are not you.

I have some final thoughts... one being, I wonder if Jenny McCarthy reads blogs?

And, this post is dedicated to Marti... if she won't erase her past, I won't erase mine.

And finally, I'd love to know your answer to the question.

The Most Awesome Job

Not very long after that afternoon at Menard's, I discovered I was pregnant, or "prego-my-eggo" as one of my funniest friends likes to say.

Nine months after that, my "Bud" was born.  His older sister, my "Pay-Pay" was over the moon happy with him.

While we were in the hospital with Bud, I continued to completely ignore my intuition, even though it was banging on the door inside my head where I'd locked it out months ago.

In getting to that day I finally could not ignore my intuition any longer, I feel I must showcase the two reasons I'll never stop listening to it again, Pay-Pay and Bud.

Being someone's mom is the most awesome job on the planet. Even before I was a mom, I knew this. Sadly, I have witnessed countless woman who don't know this. I have sat in conferences where moms have completely bashed their children. I have felt the sting of children recounting their mom ignoring them, or calling them a horrible name. And, I have heard of moms who couldn't be bothered to spend a day with their little peanuts and have dramatically declared after such a day of "being stuck with them" that they need a break.

These woman baffle me, one hundred percent baffle me. I am not going to judge them, I am just going to hope that one of them some day reads this post and realizes she does in fact, have the most awesome job in the world, as she is someone's mom.

My kiddos are the reason I went on after that May day. I truly believed if they didn't have a strong mama, they had no chance of turning out good. A mother is your guide in life, so if I were to crawl into bed and never come out... well, I was afraid they'd outgrow the pajamas they were currently wearing and be really ticked about it.

I have one daughter. She is five. As I am typing this, she just brought me a plate of Play-doh cake. The cake is orange, the frosting is brown, and on top sits a tiny flower. This gesture perfectly describes my daughter. She is thoughtful, creative, kind, and resourceful. She adores her family and animals. When we found a lost dog yesterday, she told me we might just have to be like JoAnn (the woman we got our cat from) and take care of lots of animals. I find her to be a bit intuitive, often informing me of what her brother, cat or dog are thinking before any of them can tell me. Pay-Pay is faithful and resilient. When I told her about all the bad things that had happened that May day, she sobbed, but did not falter. For a little girl whose world was turned upside down, she is surely standing right-side up.

My son is three. He is so..., yes, he is so. Any adjective that could describe him must be prefaced with a "so".  He is stubborn, patient, fierce, and quite possibly the funniest three year old on the planet. He is now bringing me Play-doh to eat, and these actions describe him well, too. Mainly because he started flinging the "vanilla ice cream" across the room. But as quickly as he will misbehave, he will just as quickly remedy his ill-behavior. His world, though it turned upside down, never felt the shift. Life for him will always be this way, he does not know our life before that May day, and I secretly envy that.

There were many, many days I thought I could not make it one more. There were many obstacles that stood in our way, refusing to move. But each time, I gazed at my children and knew I had no choice but to go on. If that meant knocking down an obstacle, well, then, I did it.

There was one day that was particularly bad, the day I almost really gave up. While cooking dinner, Bud threw a yo-yo into the glass coffee table. For a moment, time froze. The only sound was the last tiny pieces of glass falling out of the table. For the next ten minutes, I gave up. I gave up everything. I quit. I screamed and cried and wailed.I can't explain why the table breaking caused me to snap, but it did. I sank to the floor and sobbed, "I don't think I can be your mama anymore." My children scampered onto my lap, and my daughter said, "You have to be our mama." Her reply was like a slap to my hysterics. Nearly frozen, I ceased my pity party, raised myself from the ground, and as I held them both tightly, I promised them to never, ever stop being their mama. It was not an option.

As I sit here and "eat" my Play-doh treats, I can't help but marvel at what the universe blessed me with... the best strength of all, being two someone's mama.

This post is dedicated to Diane, who is a "mother" to my children when I am not there. Thank you from the very bottom of my heart.