In the past this was a night in which I'd put on my best sparkly clothes, extra lipstick, poof my hair up a bit more, head out to a party at my favorite Chicago dance club (RIP Polly Esther's) and drink top shelf liquor until the wee hours. I'd dance in the middle of the dance floor with my best friends and scream the countdown to the New Year with a rebel yell of glee and happiness. New Year's Eve was always one of my favorite nights of the year. I can't recall one that disappointed.
Those memories makes me smile. (Go ahead, remember some of your best New Year Eve parties, memories, moments. They don't' disappoint, do they?)
And now, my New Year's Eve of the present, I am watching the snow gently falling while drinking coffee out of my "Who Let the Girls Out" mug (Thank you, DeAnna) remembering my past and looking ahead to my future. I am not putting on extra lipstick tonight or sparkly clothes. There will be no dance club floor with my scuff marks on it. Tonight, I am celebrating with my two most favorite people on the planet- my children. We are putting on our best pajamas and heading down to our favorite neighbors' apartment for dinner and drinks (which they get from the top shelf of their kitchen cabinet). We're all going to write our New Year resolutions and put them in a jar to read 366 days from today. We'll play games and listen to good music and laugh and be happy... and free.
I can not say 2013 was a stellar year. There were many dark days in it for me. It was one of my hardest and most frustrating. There wasn't one aspect of my life that I did not feel unraveled or became hard to manage. I withdrew and lost my confidence. Those dark days left me feeling so unlike myself.
As the education reform sweeping the nation finally reached my classroom, school became a challenge. The profession I once adored is being transformed into something I am not entirely sure I want to be a part of for the rest of my career. Let me clarify by saying that I am not only talking about the Common Core State Standards, but that this year I actually had to wear a t-shirt that said "No Fight Zone" on it and was also told by the assistant that we would no longer use the word consequence in our school because it is a "bad word".
Sleep eluded me for most of the year. Name an hour of the wee night and I have looked it square in the eye- not on a dance floor nor full of top shelf liquor. Lose sleep and you're looking at a myriad of troubles. None of which I'd like to discuss at this point.
Being the only parent of a kindergartner and third grader presented so many new challenges. (Besides the third grade math.) They want to do more things, be involved, have school projects to complete, and tougher questions to answer. They fight more, have egos that bruise easily, and in an irritating way, find anything to do with poop amazingly funny.
The struggle of raising children who are moral, kind, generous, well-rounded, curious... and hilarious... grew as they grew. They are out there... in the world... navigating it for themselves and I am wondering if I did enough with the lull-a-byes and hugs and bedtime stories to aid them through it. Hence, part of the reason for my sleepless nights in 2013.
I realized recently (meaning, it really hit me) how LITTLE my children were when their Dad left- just turned 2 and just turned 4- and I wonder how I did it. How did I change the diapers, get the baths done, wipe the tears... get them to daycare, preschool, and manage to make them smile as often as they did...without losing my mind? Why didn't I break long ago?
Continuing to carry the stigma of an ex-wife with an ex-husband in prison did not get any easier this year. (Even I snicker at the absurdity that I thought it would.) It is probably most what robs me of my confidence. I am so afraid of what people think about that. I know it is what hinders me actually having a second date and letting someone new into my life.
The saddest thing of all was how little I wrote in 2013. There are some days I wanted to write so badly it hurt. It actually physically hurt. My fingers ached and my forearms had to be stretched. My head spun so fast with thoughts I had to sit down.
There were nights I'd lie awake for hours processing sentences and phrases over and over in my head to the point where I could actually hear them. Right there in my room, they whispered and called to me begging me to just write.
But, I did not. Every thought, idea, post, word worried me that I'd offend someone (shocking, I know), or anger someone, or it would be so stupid people would stop reading. I was my worst critic.
When we go to our New Year's Eve pajama party in a bit, the resolution I am putting in the jar is to write more. Write and write and write. Through writing, comes healing and peace and freedom from all that holds me back. I know this New Year's Eve won't disappoint.
I am certain I was born to write. It is a great skill to have and not just to BS your way through college papers. I am certain I was born to write so that when life threw me a curve ball- I'd make it through. And then I realized, if I piss someone off or turn someone away with my words... well, then I am a writer.
In 2014, I am a writer.
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