Dating when you are thirty-seven with two young children, a full time job, a needy dog, a needy cat, wrinkles that are just settling in, and a pathetic wardrobe is quite possibly one of life's greatest challenges. In fact, it could easily rank in the top five.
What the universe has failed to understand about me is that I embrace challenges these days. Bring on the dating game of the new millennium. I shall kick its ass.
When I decided to date, I was unprepared in so many ways. First and foremost, I didn't realize I'd have to do it in "stages". Second, you can not date without courage, and quite a lot of it. When my marriage fell apart, I had about zero courage in the man department.
So, I did this in stages. I had to be comfortable typing emails to men, had to be comfortable giving someone my phone number, then talking to someone on the phone, and finally had to have real- Cowardly Lion- courage to actually go on a date. This whole "stages" thing took me like a year to complete.
In perusing profiles, there were days I'd feel really good about myself and other days I'd feel pretty crappy. Some men have done more in one day of their lives than I have in my entire life. Seriously. There have been matches that climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro... or some other ridiculously high peak on the planet. Another guy casually mentioned his "favorites" which included some fancy named bistro in Paris, strolling on the Great Wall of China (his words, strolling on the Great Wall of China), and a wine I could not spell even with spell check. I wanted to message him and tell him one of my favorite things is when my children actually get their dirty clothes into the hamper. In all sincerity, for me that is a full and complete night.
I came to realize that my life has just been very different than men like this. Instead of scaling mountains and swimming in Tahiti, I've gone to pancake breakfasts for students in the Boy Scouts and visited the zoo so many times with my children we no longer need a map to get around. I came to realize men like this aren't the best match for me. Eating crappy pancakes and making kids happy is rewarding and my life will still be complete if I never scale a mountain.
Still, it would be nice to share my life with someone, so I kept searching. And searching. And reading profiles of men who actually believe Barbie is a real person. And emailing. And searching. Then, finally, I went on a date. My first date in, oh, about twenty years.
Before the date, I made many mistakes. The biggest one being, I naively assumed everyone's profile was... accurate. Not. So. Much.
Next, I talked to the guy way too much on the phone. If you do this, you tend to develop "phone chemistry". Phone chemistry means conversation flows in a relatively easy, flirtatious manner. You make a perfect phone pair. Phone chemistry gives a completely false sense of real chemistry.
Finally, I was so incredibly, ridiculously nervous. I don't recall eating, my stomach fluttered with nerves the entire day. I obsessed over my outfit and looked to my girlfriends for reassurance. Turns out, I had not one thing to be nervous about.
From the moment the guy walked into the bar, I knew he was not my perfect match.
Here are some of the date's "lowlights"... He needed a hearing aid and bifocals. He hated the bar. He was not 5'9, or 5'8... or even 5'7. He complained about getting there and traffic and the noise level, numerous times. He complained about the price of the microbrews, ordered one, took two sips, and sent it back. He told me Hillary Clinton is an idiot. He belched, a lot. When we parted ways, he said, "Come 'ere & gimme a kiss." I lied and said I never kiss on the first date. He did not believe me.
After that disaster, I mustered the courage to go out on several more dates. However, I changed my whole approach. No more naivete. No more phone conversations. No more nervousness. And things went so much better. The dates were pleasant and fun, but without "the spark".
Then, I went on a date where as soon as the guy walked into the bar, I knew he had the potential to be my perfect match.
That first date had many highlights. He liked the bar, his eyes twinkled, he loved the microbrews, he listened when I talked and admired my viewpoints. When we parted ways, I kissed him.
We went out again. We talked and laughed and listened. We texted and talked. My intuition told me there was something special about him. He talked of wanting to spend more time with me.
And then one day, he was just gone. No more communication, no explanation, profile gone, simply not there. As if he'd never existed.
I'd be lying if I said it wasn't crushing. I'd be lying if I said I didn't lose my courage. I'd be lying if I said I didn't give up on the profiles and matches and the hope that there is a perfect match out there.
So, I stepped away from the complex world of online dating for a bit and regrouped.
There were many more matters for me to learn about dating, and me, and men. What I learned is my timing with men has never been right. It goes all the way back to my crush in eighth grade, who took until our senior year in high school to "like" me. He told me this as he prepared to leave for the Marines. Or during college, when the guy I'd crushed on for awhile handed me a pack of matches as I walked out the door of his restaurant one night, and six months later when I finally opened it... there was his number and a note that he wanted to take me out. My timing was off all the years I knew my husband. It was obviously off with this match. It just seems that the right man & I are never placed in time when we both are ready for each other.
I learned about the type of man I truly need, not just want. Being a strong woman, I need a man who will challenge me and keep me on my toes. I need someone who will teach me new things... who has different views... someone who is hysterically funny and genuine and who accepts all my baggage and throws it right on top of his and then continues on this journey, as he reaches for my hand. I want someone to hold my hand, literally and figuratively.
The computer keeps telling me there are two thousand plus matches for me. Certainly, one of them must be the perfect one... when the time is right.
I came to realize that my life has just been very different than men like this. Instead of scaling mountains and swimming in Tahiti, I've gone to pancake breakfasts for students in the Boy Scouts and visited the zoo so many times with my children we no longer need a map to get around. I came to realize men like this aren't the best match for me. Eating crappy pancakes and making kids happy is rewarding and my life will still be complete if I never scale a mountain.
Still, it would be nice to share my life with someone, so I kept searching. And searching. And reading profiles of men who actually believe Barbie is a real person. And emailing. And searching. Then, finally, I went on a date. My first date in, oh, about twenty years.
Before the date, I made many mistakes. The biggest one being, I naively assumed everyone's profile was... accurate. Not. So. Much.
Next, I talked to the guy way too much on the phone. If you do this, you tend to develop "phone chemistry". Phone chemistry means conversation flows in a relatively easy, flirtatious manner. You make a perfect phone pair. Phone chemistry gives a completely false sense of real chemistry.
Finally, I was so incredibly, ridiculously nervous. I don't recall eating, my stomach fluttered with nerves the entire day. I obsessed over my outfit and looked to my girlfriends for reassurance. Turns out, I had not one thing to be nervous about.
From the moment the guy walked into the bar, I knew he was not my perfect match.
Here are some of the date's "lowlights"... He needed a hearing aid and bifocals. He hated the bar. He was not 5'9, or 5'8... or even 5'7. He complained about getting there and traffic and the noise level, numerous times. He complained about the price of the microbrews, ordered one, took two sips, and sent it back. He told me Hillary Clinton is an idiot. He belched, a lot. When we parted ways, he said, "Come 'ere & gimme a kiss." I lied and said I never kiss on the first date. He did not believe me.
After that disaster, I mustered the courage to go out on several more dates. However, I changed my whole approach. No more naivete. No more phone conversations. No more nervousness. And things went so much better. The dates were pleasant and fun, but without "the spark".
Then, I went on a date where as soon as the guy walked into the bar, I knew he had the potential to be my perfect match.
That first date had many highlights. He liked the bar, his eyes twinkled, he loved the microbrews, he listened when I talked and admired my viewpoints. When we parted ways, I kissed him.
We went out again. We talked and laughed and listened. We texted and talked. My intuition told me there was something special about him. He talked of wanting to spend more time with me.
And then one day, he was just gone. No more communication, no explanation, profile gone, simply not there. As if he'd never existed.
I'd be lying if I said it wasn't crushing. I'd be lying if I said I didn't lose my courage. I'd be lying if I said I didn't give up on the profiles and matches and the hope that there is a perfect match out there.
So, I stepped away from the complex world of online dating for a bit and regrouped.
There were many more matters for me to learn about dating, and me, and men. What I learned is my timing with men has never been right. It goes all the way back to my crush in eighth grade, who took until our senior year in high school to "like" me. He told me this as he prepared to leave for the Marines. Or during college, when the guy I'd crushed on for awhile handed me a pack of matches as I walked out the door of his restaurant one night, and six months later when I finally opened it... there was his number and a note that he wanted to take me out. My timing was off all the years I knew my husband. It was obviously off with this match. It just seems that the right man & I are never placed in time when we both are ready for each other.
I learned about the type of man I truly need, not just want. Being a strong woman, I need a man who will challenge me and keep me on my toes. I need someone who will teach me new things... who has different views... someone who is hysterically funny and genuine and who accepts all my baggage and throws it right on top of his and then continues on this journey, as he reaches for my hand. I want someone to hold my hand, literally and figuratively.
The computer keeps telling me there are two thousand plus matches for me. Certainly, one of them must be the perfect one... when the time is right.
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