This has taken so long to write for many reasons. Most of those reasons involve my busy hectic life. The strongest reason... fear.
To recap, I was not listening to my woman's intuition.
By this night in October, I had not listened to it so much that it caused an aching throughout me. My heart ached, my head ached, my body ached. Finally, the aching won, and I had to listen.
In the late hours of the night, I awoke with a jolt. That voice screamed, "Get out of the bed. Go look. There is something there." Slightly dazed, I sat there for a moment. As I eased myself down to return to my slumber, my body froze and the voice screeched once again. "Get out of the bed right now. You can not wait any longer." My heart began to hammer within my chest.
Realizing I had no other choice, I slid out from under the warm covers and gingerly walked through the blackness.
Within ten minutes, life as I'd known it was over.
My husband was having an affair.
The only sound in the room was my heart, now pounding and banging against the wall of my chest so ferociously, I thought it might explode. That is the sound of a heart breaking.
There were still four hours until daylight and I knew I could never wait that long to... well, do anything. The only way to wake my husband was to act like there was an emergency with the children, so that was what I did. Shaking him awake, I told him there was an emergency and I needed help.
Finally roused, he made his way into the living room, and blinked hundreds of times. Confused, he asked where the emergency was. I thrust the evidence in his face, and shouted, "Right here!"
He crumbled into the couch, completely stunned.
Truly, what happened over the course of the next several hours is a blur. If I tried to explain it, it would never come out correctly. What I know most is that even through the tears, yelling, questions, disbelief, and horror, I was crawling deep inside myself. I was going to a place I never knew existed in myself. On the outside, I was promising to forgive and help and move on. But, I realize now, I wasn't saying those things for him, I was saying them for me. On the inside, I was preparing myself to be... alone.
By six o'clock, it was finally what could be considered a a decent enough hour to call your best friends. Because, what do girls do when their man wrongs them, they reach out to their soul sisters. It is a call no soul sister ever wishes to receive, but one she will take with vigor and might.
By that time, I was actually part of my bathroom floor. That is how I felt, like a floor. Making those calls and choking out the words was the hardest thing I had ever done. But, I did it.
What happened when I finally peeled myself off that floor... that is for the next post.
This post I dedicate to my two soul sisters... DeAnna and Marisa. Without them, I am nothing.
